Ellen e-mail excerpts January 19-30 2007

jan

Friday, January 19th 2007

Hey. I have had a bad afternoon and evening. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to break something that would be satisfying. (I am listening to one of my favorite songs “Flood” by Jars of Clay. I have had to begin it several times as I keep getting interrupted. I have the headphones on, I actually heard someone trying to talk to me through the closed window and shade….I just turned the volume up louder…can’t deal with any more boundary issues today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Really wish you were here at this moment and cry just typing it!!!

I blew a gasket on Monday. The only way to describe the feeling is that I feel like I’m going to pop. At home, when things got intense with homeschool or with hubby or whatever, I could walk outside and scream at the top of my lungs. Sure, what few of our neighbors we had probably thought I had several screws loose (those who really know me KNOW I have several screws loose!!!), but it was so therapeutic to scream as long as I could in one breath. It helped me to get rid of that physical sensation of anger/rage or whatever. I certainly can’t do that here. I can’t do much of anything here that I would normally do at home and the things I am able to do are often under the microscope of many sets of eyes!!!!! Anyway, I don’t even remember what set it all off on Monday. I guess it just gets old. I often realize that I have no friends of my own, and only 3 friends that we have as a family (Solar, Samwel, Chirangi), and even those aren’t the kind of friends that we can share our hearts to. Part of a real friendship to me is being able to express the things that irk me, and we are not free to do that here for a number of reasons. There is absolutely no one in this side of the country that we can share our hearts with. We have friends in Bomet, which is 5 hours away in Kenya. We are thankful, for the very good friends we have in Nairobi and Dar. Anyway, I am babbling and will probably continue to make no sense…guess I’m just going to completely vomit and get all the nastiness out!!!! Hope you don’t mind (and know you don’t).

There is this issue here that people that you help never get enough. Even the people that work for us (except William/Magesa). We pay Stella and Kezia better than most people get paid in Shirati, even those who work in the hospital. I do this because I feel it is right, and by American standards, most employees would realize this and also understand that they get paid well and appreciate it. Here, this is not the case. I caught Kezia taking laundry soap, and occasionally notice other things that go missing. I told her she is not supposed to take anything without permission. (Keith pointed out that I failed to mention that if she did it again, she would be fired…I was just so pissed, I couldn’t think straight). Out of the 3 weeks we have been back, she has been to work one week total. One reason was a “sister” (which can mean any woman in the village, but I think it was a true blood sister) died. She had the whole week off, and that was ok. She didn’t show up a few other days for various reasons. When she is here she just has this total entitlement thing (gets it from Stella who has a major case of entitlement attitude issues). She and Stella came on Monday with the attitudes. They sit and eat breakfast from 9-9:30 (I don’t mind feeding them, as I know that none of them eats well. Some appreciation and respect would be nice, though). Stella waited until Keith left to ask if we would drive her up to the market. The Monday market is an issue that upsets Keith tremendously, although he has agreed that they are able to go (when we need things) but only after their work is done and if it is ok with Magesa as he is the one to drive them,( although we all know he loves to drive). Anyway, we did not need anything at the market and Stella was aware of that. I said no, and I could tell she was upset. One of my many faults is that I can’t stand making other people upset, and it is much harder to deal with working things out when you can’t communicate fully. It’s like speaking English, but only being able to use half of the words you normally use. I was just generally upset. She wanted to go buy something that is available in Kubwana (the place/village we also call Shirati). Keith said I have spoiled her, and I guess I have. Usually they have gone most Mondays, and they stay at least 2 hours because it is more of a social thing than a get-your-shopping-done-and-go thing. (Interrupted again, the umpteenth time, someone stepped in a chicken poop and brought in the house for the rest of us to step in and now my foot stinks like crazy and I’m too mad to go wash it off!!! Plus Keith just came home. He is in a foul mood, said he had a bad day….he left this morning and hasn’t been back till now almost 7:30. He was supposed to teach the kids math every day at 4pm. He missed yesterday, too, and was away on Tuesday…I knew I could not count on him to do it and he won’t do it weekday mornings when he is almost always here (except when he travels). Now he insists the kids are going to do 2 hours of math tomorrow morning (Sat). Gee, I’m sure they will just LOVE math with this wonderful plan!!! Just wish he wouldn’t tell me he will do something he knows won’t work. The one day that he was able to teach them this week was awesome. I set everything up for the lessons, he answers their questions and keeps the kids in line. We correct it together since Keith hasn’t been in “tune” with their math and he doesn’t remember a lot of it. Now, I can tell Keith wants to talk but I need to vent, not listen to him. I am mean but I know you love me anyway, and for that I am truly thankful!!! )

I was having such a horrible afternoon today and was afraid I was going to freak on the local kids, I sent Gerry to find Keith at about 5pm. Sometimes Keith, Chirangi, Samwel and others hang out at the cantina (diner) and chat (interrupted again!! This time Bob, our dog is currently “stuck”. The poor guy has been issues as Abby has been in heat and every dog in the area comes in our yard now, even other females…which leads to a lot of growling and bickering all day and all night!!! Anyway, we have been amused at Bob’s tactics as he has yet to figure out what to do with himself and which end he is supposed to approach. Well, I guess you could say he ‘hit the nail on the head” so to speak and now his hammer’s stuck….poor guy, he looked so pathetic.) Anyway, Gerry found Keith in a meeting and he wasn’t able to come home. He hadn’t known about having to go to the 7hour long meeting when he left in the morning. I have never felt the need to have the kids go find him before. Earlier, I was having a lot of issues with groups of school kids. Yesterday, a group of them were using slingshots and shooting rocks at our kids and dogs. I guess they are angry because we don’t like it when they come in our yard (or our neighbors’) and pick fruit, etc. This really upset me, so I made a point today that whenever I heard school kids around, I would be very visible. The first group I noticed came in from the left (where the school is) and was watching our kitchen door…a sure sign they were up to no good. I went out and acted like I was doing something. They then walked along the outside of our fence along the right side, which is our neighbor’s yard, who is rarely there. I walked right up to them and asked what they were doing. They said they were going to their shamba (farm) over “there”. Right, sure. So I walked along the fence with them until I reached the back of our yard. I stood and watched them, and they walked the whole way around back towards the school where they started. It just irritates the tar out of me!!!! Then a couple hours later a big group of younger kids came along making a lot of noise. I went right out. A few of them kept glancing over at me and when they were out of sight they started using their slingshots to throw rocks at the house. I do not think this is acceptable. I chased the kids and told them not to do it again. I told them if they did, I would go to their school and find out their names and the names of their parents and go talk to them. As I passed more school kids on the way back to the house I was muttering that we will be leaving soon and they will be happy. Anyway. I went in the house and tried to be calm. I went to my room and read for a few minutes. I realized that I forgot to take all (7) of my medicines this morning, so I got up and went to the refrigerator, opened the door to get some water and several soda bottles proceeded to fall out onto the concrete floor and explode. Perhaps this was symbolic. Have you ever seen glass soda bottles explode?? I never did before coming here. It has happened several times. If it weren’t such a pain to clean up, it would be quite an interesting thing to watch when you were expecting it to happen. It was about this moment that I was worried I was going to totally lose it. Not only did my kids rush to see what had happened, but local kids in the front yard and one in the back (Leah had been playing with a group on the front porch)…..everyone wanted to see what happened, and for whatever reason this infuriated me!!!!! First of all, all of these kids’ families are too poor to have soda or a concrete floor for that matter…so this was cool stuff in their eyes. I just wanted to be Ellen, not Mom, not Teacher-of-wazungu-things, not Object-of-fascination, not Missionary-who-must-be-perfect, not Protector-of-the-Yard-and -House. I wanted to go outside and scream, one breath, at the top of my lungs. Try it sometime…the car works, too. It IS therapeutic, although your throat might be sore for awhile, but it’s worth it. This very moment, I now have my Christian WOW CD’s blasting. I couldn’t do that earlier with the local kids outside…I don’t want to create more entertainment. Having the music loud also keeps Keith out, even though I am in his office. He will leave me alone. I can even sing without anyone hearing me it is so loud!!!! For whatever reason it is soothing. It is like I am not really in Africa and just for a few moments I can believe that lie, although I cry as I type that so I have not completely snowed myself.

I know I have jumped all over the place…pole sana. You will hear me say that phrase a lot when I am home. It is something that is said all the time here and I catch myself saying it when people from home call…part of Tanzania will always be with me I guess. I have so many emotions about coming home. Our experience here has been very poorly set up from the get-go. Keith’s assignment was an unusual one. A “missionary” /consultant being sent to clean up many years of other missionaries mistakes. (although not all things the missionaries have done has been negative. Just thought I’d state the obvious!) Although very good things have happened and will continue to happen hopefully for many years, it has been extremely difficult to fulfill for a number of reasons. It was so good to hear that people here are taking ownership. They are SO able to do things on their own; they have just been told for too long that they aren’t able to do it.)
….. I get glimpses of what could have been, glimpses of what perhaps other missionaries get to enjoy, that I have not been able to. Maybe not…. …This sounds so petty, but it is another restriction, another chain wrapped around me. I am not free here.

Anyway, I have so many feelings about going home… I am partially afraid that once I get home, I will not want to come back. I also am afraid that I WILL want to come back!!! Isn’t this weird?!?! I am afraid that I will have changed so much that I will not be able to relate to people as well I used to. I am afraid that my failure here will be seen by all and be criticized. I am afraid that I will crumble. I feel I have carried so much and yet I have nothing to show for it. I am afraid that because of lots of bad experiences that I have become forceful and hard-hearted, and this is not the real me. I feel that I have been pushed in a corner and I WILL fight my way out. I can’t just turn the other cheek. I am afraid that people will think I have “lost” it and that I couldn’t hack Africa. I know I put too much emphasis on what others think and I don’t know how to break out of that. I am afraid that this experience has finished me with homeschooling. It was something I did well at home, and have failed at here. I don’t even know what I will do next. We talk about going to Dar and the prospect excites me. We have friends there, life is not a village setting where we would be one of few wazungu, and there are many options that are not available here. There is the possibility that we stay in the States, and what do I do then??? I LOVED homeschooling the boys for the most part at home, and we learned a lot together. I have been at home with the kids for 14 years. I don’t have any great or marvelous skills to offer anyone, and I don’t want to get a job just for something to do. I want to do something meaningful. If we need the money, all I can offer is a minimum wage salary.

There is also the issue of health. Ironically, I have not struggled with depression AT ALL here. I attribute it to the sunshine. It sounds silly, but I just feel better when the sun is shining on a regular basis. I am an outside person and in the depression arena, I have thrived. That is the area that I was most concerned about before we came. Guess I just had no idea what we were in for!!!! For the first 10 months I did exceptionally well health wise. Then the bottom began to slowly fall out. Clair continues to point out that all missionaries have trouble at 12-18 months. If this is the case, then what sort of care, maintenance, prevention plan is in place??? None??? I believe that all of my health issues have been both physical and mental. I WAS physically sick for over 3 months. I read back over old e-mails and realized the extent. In normal circumstances at home this would get to me. I am not a sitting/laying down sort of person and I like to be moving and get mentally worn down if I am not able to do my normal activities. Eventually, I just became susceptible to just about everything spurring further emotional wear. It’s like, no, DUH folks…no wonder things went the way they did. Why is hindsight so clear??? I am afraid if we stay in the States I will go through a depression. It will be cold and dark; I will be insecure about the future. Sounds like prime conditions to me. So many times I wonder what, oh, what have we gotten ourselves into?????? I still believe that God led us here, I KNOW it and I don’t think it was for our destruction. I am being too selfish…many good things have happened at the hospital and many lives will be helped by that, so I guess that in itself is enough to be thankful for. I guess I was hoping for more than what we got. Guess I’m disappointed how things have gone and angry, too. Not bitter. Envious of others who have had less ugly situations, which also puts me on the outside again, after all, who wants to relate to an ugly situation/??? Guess I am disappointed, too, in myself. I listen to my praise and worship songs about serving the Lord with joy and I feel I have done nothing like that. In hardship, am I still able to praise God??? Nope. I only hope that after I leave this fiery furnace, I will have a better testimony to share.

One benefit of writing this and of listening to my music which I haven’t listened to since Oct, is that it is very clear that I need to work on forgiveness. I don’t believe anyone intentionally meant for this to go that bad for us. I do believe that there were several folks who knew that this was a less than ideal situation for a family, but maybe hoped that they would be wrong. Anyway, I need to forgive, forgive, forgive 70x7 and then some.

Maybe THIS e-mail has reached novel status instead of my usual novella. Pole sana. I am much more of a writer than a talker.

January 29

LET”S GO DANCING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for your reply and sharing your faith issues. I don’t think God sits up there waiting to strike us down when we mess up (and we will). I was not able to believe in God’s love until I had children. I had my own distorted views of love and didn’t trust or believe anyone completely. I feel that God was finally successful in drawing me near when I had kids. It was then, when I experienced my love for them, that I could understand to a small degree God’s love for me. I was mad last May when ….were here and they basically told me that I didn’t have enough fear of the Lord (we were talking about Keith’s similar faith struggles…waiting for the lightning bolt…he uses that same phrase!!). Of course I have a healthy fear in my opinion, but I’ve lived most of my life in fear and who are they to tell me what is right and wrong?!?!? To me it is sad that so many live in fear of God’s consequences. It is one thing to do something out of fear, and another to follow in loving obedience. As a parent, I would want my own children to make their own decisions, not out of fear, but out of doing the right thing!!! Does that make any sense at all??? God sent his Son, not so we have more fear, but out of LOVE for us!! I am disappointed that so many people feel they fall short of God’s love….so NOT TRUE!!!! I have a lot to say about that, especially about our African brothers and sisters here. They have been handed the full fear package wrapped in a heavy coating of unworthiness. It is disgusting and I want to change it. Before I leave this place, if only I help one person to see the truth!!!! Anyway…..this week is going to be crazy busy as everyone will want to see us (and ask us for many things). Today we met with the bishop for over 2 hours and I came home completely exhausted. Tomorrow, we go to our friend Yusuf’s village and church preschool. We went there once back in June for a church service and it was the best African service we have experienced so far. It is just really far from Shirati and the roads are a joke.

January 30
Hey. Just needed to vent again. Not a bad day, just totally absurd. Kids from our home congregation collected toys before Christmas ’05. The 2 boxes arrived in July or August and we haven’t really known what to do with them. Also when Karla and Peter came, their church brought craft items for kids at Sunday school here. Also, while we were in Nairobi, we received 2 packages from a woman we don’t know (the wife of our septic guy). She sent some nice stuffed animals and one of those Brio-type wooden train sets. All very nice things and very thoughtful of the people at home, but yet completely absurd. It is so hard to explain and I don’t want to seem ungrateful to the people at home who care and genuinely want to do something nice for kids here.

We went with our friend Yusuf, to a church way out in the bush. After we drove about a half hour through potholes, bushes, animals and people,(thank God for “the Beast” LandCruiser!!) we show up at the church building which we went to last June. They recently poured concrete, but there are no windows or doors. The walls are constructed of hand made bricks. A corrugated tin roof covers the building. Many kids in various uniforms rush out to greet us, many of whom look much older than preschool, which is what we were told we would be visiting. Kids surround the car as we maneuver out of the vehicle between people and pouring rain. We get in the building and there are probably 50 younger kids sitting quietly on the floor in various stages of dress. They have known of our coming in advance, so those kids who have a nice outfit are wearing it, while the poorer kids are in their usual rags and bare feet. Most of these kids do not speak Swahili, and most are not used to seeing wazungu (white people), so there are many kids who look very afraid, but most just stare at us in utter curiosity. Meanwhile about 50 or more of the older kids file quietly in behind the younger kids and sit down noiselessly on the cold concrete floor. I notice that the younger kids are actually sitting on large branches as makeshift benches. Keith and I know the contents of the boxes and bags that we brought which were still out in the car. The thought dawns on me (once again) what in the world are these kids going to DO with this stuff??? We decided to have Yusuf and 2 of the teachers come out to the car with us and go through things and let the teachers keep things they can use for classes. You have to understand that the kids are used to drawing their letters and numbers with a piece of clay on the concrete, or using their finger out in the soil to write. As we took things out of the boxes one by one, held them up and tried to explain what each thing is for, they asked what each was for. Like chenille pipe cleaners, pom-poms, and googly-eyes. Keith and I quickly tried to show that you can make animals or shapes etc, etc with them. Barrels of Monkeys…we dumped out to show what out do; jars of bubbles, beads and string, foam cut-outs, glitter, dolls, etc, etc, etc. The teachers ended up taking most of the stuff as it was hard to determine how to give things out evenly. We ended up giving out mostly super balls and pencils. How many kids at home do you know who would be thrilled to receive a PENCIL?? There were about 15 Matchbox type cars which went to some very lucky kids as that seemed to be the item of choice. We blew up a couple of punch balls and they were tossed around, although as kids rushed to hit it, I was worried the smaller kids would be knocked over, luckily no one was. Our boys and Leah tried setting up the train set which seemed the weirdest of all as all of the kids were pushing and crowding and trying to grab at things. We decided that Keith will mount all the wooden pieces on a board so they don’t “disappear”, and then a few kids at a time can play with it. There is nowhere to store this stuff as there are no closets, etc, so the teachers will have to carry the stuff with them back to their homes, some of which are many kilometers away.

Perhaps I am over-emotional, over-analytical. I just see this whole thing as a symbol of many well-wishing folks from around the globe; missionaries, volunteers, and others with good intentions. We come with our Western ideas and Western things without a clue as to what is really needed or wanted here. There are very few similarities between our culture and theirs. Ours is quite materialistic, glitzy and showy, with time for leisure activities and play. This culture is one of survival. You are very lucky if you can go to school at all. If you have gone to secondary school, you are one of the very few. University is just completely out of the picture for everyone except the wealthiest (or those lucky enough to have a relationship with a foreign sponsor). You are considered wealthy if you have concrete walls and a concrete floor in your house. Most people have mud and stick huts with dirt floors. You are wealthy if your clothes are not torn and shredded and if you have shoes that actually fit. I know of no kids who own their own books or toys (store bought). They do make their own toys out of trash. We are bringing many of these home to show people. On the rare occasions they have time to play, they collect pieces of torn plastic shopping bags (which blow all over creation here and are heinously UGLY, draped from the tree branches and stuck on bushes everywhere. A running joke is the national “flower” of Kenya/Tanzania is the plastic bag!!!), wrap them together and make a soccer ball. They also collect broken plastic water bottles and use sticks to poke through them as axles, and cut 4 round pieces of broken flip-flops for wheels. Very creative. Very utilitarian. Kids generally do not have access to paper, pencils and the like and definitely NOT crayons and markers. Churches sent a great number of these, plus coloring and workbooks for the kids here, which was thoughtful.

When we visit people’s homes, many of the houses are bare inside. You are wealthy if you have wooden chairs and a sofa. You are even wealthier if you can afford CUSHIONS for your sofa-frame. (We have sat on a number of sofa frames with our “cheeks” almost touching the floor!!). In these same houses, we are served a huge meal. We know that we are being treated with utmost respect and that this is probably a weeks worth of food they are presenting to us. We often notice hungry looking kids of various ages eyeing up the luscious food we are being served. We are careful to only eat a little, yet eat enough that we don’t offend our hosts. We know the rest of the family will get to eat what is left. We have been humbled even farther by a number of hosts when, after we eat, they present EACH of us an outfit that they have had made for us!!!! I often want to break down and cry. The cost of the fabric and to have a tailor sew such things costs at least a month’s salary if not 2.

So, what is my point here? Sijui. (I don’t know). I can’t change the way the world is. I certainly would if I could. God only asks me to do my part. I just hope I am a faithful servant and truly following His call. My soul screams for these people whom I have grown to love and understand kidogo (a little bit). I know there are many at home who want to help people here, and even those who don’t want to should anyway…these are OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS!!!!!!!! Just think of what could be done if every American family gave up something for just one month and helped to support a family here. Say renting videos…or going out to eat, or a recreational activity. The cost of that would support one child for ONE YEAR of school!!!!!!!

I left that school/church today with a heavy heart. I did not do anything to improve a life. Sure, I helped in spreading some joy and good wishes from our friends and churches at home. Momentary joy. I want more. I want to see lives of these precious children changed. I dream big, but I am only one person. Maybe with God’s awesome power and your help, too, we can make a difference in these lives. Somehow. Help me with ideas. Help me by spreading the word. Volunteer…it is an experience of a lifetime and one that will change you completely. Don’t just talk, DO IT!!!!!! There is never a GOOD time to pick up and go, so NOW is as good a time as any. (I say this from personal experience…we struggled for years to pick the “right” time. There just isn’t one!) For you, maybe this summer, but, oops, I said I wouldn’t bug you about coming here again!!! You will see that the “things” we hold so high in esteem (house, cars, activities, etc, etc, ) really have little relevance to the “big picture”. (Perhaps just my warped opinion). Pray. Pray for answers, pray for open hearts and minds to serve those who struggle to survive. Pray for God’s grace and blessing here. Pray for me…that somehow, if it is God’s will, that I can make a difference, not only in lives here, but in lives at home, too.

Thanks for being the wonderful friend you are and putting up with my rantings and ravings. Love you and will see you in ELEVEN DAYS!!!!! WOO-HOO!!!!!!